Everyone who tries to learn stand-up comedy already knows that…

One of the biggest problems most new comedians face when they are trying to learn stand-up comedy is that they can’t seem to get to the punchlines quick enough in their act.

In other words, the set-ups to the jokes are too long. Way, way too long.

This is a real problem because in order to be recognized as comedian of any mention, you must be able to command at least 4 laughs per minute for each minute you stand before an audience.

And the secret is NOT to talk faster. As a matter of fact, you absolutely don’t want to be in a hurry at all when standing in front of a comedy audience.

Please note that I said a minimum of 4 laughs per minute-headlining comedians get 6-8 laughs per minute.

Now, get ready to learn stand-up comedy from a different perspective.

Provided that you have a recording of your stand-up comedy act (audio or video) and have it transcribed on your word processor (word for word)…

You can apply the 20 word rule to get the results you want. The 20 word rule is not a hard and fast rule-it is a very flexible editing guideline that you can use now to help shorten your set-ups or identify where to add punchlines.

Here’s the simple process:

1. Use your transcribed comedy act and review your recording of that act. Make a visible mark at every point that you got laughs on your transcript.

2. Now go back and count the number of words that lead up to each laugh. If there are more than 20 words, the chances are great that you need to do some serious editing to shorten the set-up or add a punchline.

This concept applies to comedians who are employing old school joke writing techniques as well as those using the more powerful topic driven stand-up strategies.

For those who seriously want to learn stand-up comedy, it should be noted that household name headlining comedians only use 10-15 words (average) before they get to a punchline.

Again, I want to mention that the key is NOT talking faster on stage. It’s about easily structuring what you really want to say, the way you speak naturally so that you can get the maximum laughs per minute possible every minute you are on stage.

We’ve lost a comedy legend. George Carlin died of heart failure. He was 71. He loved playing with words. It was his legacy. You heard it on his albums, saw him perform them on his HBO concerts and read them in his countless books. Here are ten of my favorite George Carlin sayings:

1. When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

2. Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

3. People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

4. The future ain’t what it used to be.

5. If a safe is unlocked, is it still a safe?

6. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

7. It’s never just a game when you’re winning.

8. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

9. I had no shoes and felt sorry for myself until I met a man with no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel even better.

10. I don’t own any stocks or bonds. All my money is tied up in debt.

George Carlin was always pushing the comedy envelope and now he’s gone. I’ll bet there’s going to be one heck of a concert tonight when he headlines with Rodney Dangerfield and Sam Kinnison. George, you will be missed.

Laugh lines, so often we see them, around our eyes, around our mouths. When we get older and our skin begins to get just a little bit less flexible. The lines that form because of this, we call laugh lines. They are the lines that are most pronounced in our skin when we laugh.

As time goes by these lines soon become permanent wrinkles, which, are there whether we are laughing or not! It’s just something we will have to learn to live with. Or do we?

Laugh lines form do to a loss of vital elements from our skin–not because we are older!

Skin begins losing it’s ability to produce, collagen, elastin, and hyaluronic acid, as the years go by.

Each of these three elements is essential to healthy, glowing, beautiful skin. Collagen is needed to keep–among many things–skin firm, but supple. Elastin is the protein that is needed for resilient, flexible skin and hyaluronic acid is what keeps the moisture in skin.

All three of these elements do this and much more.

Regaining youthful skin, is in many cases, as simple as replenishing these lost elements. How do you replace these lost elements?

First you must find the right product! Something that will make it easy to restore the missing portions. Sounds simple. Right?

Just run down to the local store and there are hundreds of skin care products to choose from–surely one will get rid of laugh lines!

But which skin care product will actually replenish the missing elements?

Many products claim they have ingredients that will eliminate laugh lines, but often the chemicals used are harsh, unsafe and results–while often dramatic–are short term.

You need a product that is proven safe, but effective contain ingredients that will help your body reproduce the missing elements.

The three best ingredients around to do just that are:
Cynergy TK — a patented “Bio-active” keratin that is clinically proven to stimulate collagen and elastin growth in skin. Coenzyme Q10 (CoQ10) — is part of every cell and a natural antioxidant. As we age the amount in our cells goes down and it needs to be replenished. Many skin care products have added CoQ10, but in this form it’s molecules are too large to penetrate skin so it can only helps the surface layer. Science came along and developed Nano-Lipobelle H-EQ10 a special version of CoQ10 blended with vitamin E and made to pass perfectly through skin to even the deepest layers. Phytessence Wakame — an extract taken from Kelp harvested from the Sea of Japan. Along with enriching skin with B vitamins and needed minerals, like 15 times more calcium than milk. It fights an enzyme called hyaluronidase. This enzyme is what attacks hyaluronic acid causing skin to lose moisture and become dry.

Once you have identified these three ingredients in a skin care product. You will find these products will reduce your laugh lines, safely gently and the results will be long term.

If you really want to learn more about combatting laugh lines. Then head over to this outstanding resource Web Site immediately: Health Body And Skin

Lawyer Jokes

Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?

A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.

Q: What is the legal definition of “Appeal”?

A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

A: To practice.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?

A: Your Honor.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A: An offer you can’t understand.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Senator

Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called “Divorced Barbie”?

A: It comes with half of Ken’s things and alimony.

Q: What’s the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?

A: Jewelry.

Q: What’s the definition of mixed emotions?

A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: What’s the difference between lawyers and accountants?

A: At least accountants know they’re boring.

Stories:

1. A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to think you had died.”

3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, “And where do you think you’re going to find a lawyer?”

4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears
someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, “I demand one million and not a penny less.” As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, “I’m here to hook up your phone.”

And finally:

You Might Be A Lawyer If…. You are charging someone to read these jokes.

Not many categories of jokes have a history or background. We don’t know who started them or why they were started. Surprisingly enough when it comes to yo mama jokes they come with a very interesting background. Yo mama jokes are also referred to as ‘the dozens’ and is an tradition among African Americans in which two people (that are usually guys) will compete against each other in trash talking. This trash talking is all in good fun and in the middle of it are their mothers.

The two competitors will go back and forth and try to come up with the best comeback jokes against the other person’s mother until someone gives up in defeat. Playing the dozens using yo mama jokes is played to see who is has the better mental toughness and mental agility. Each joke that is used makes it that much more difficult for the other to respond with a comeback.

If you listen closely to these jokes and when two are competing against each other you will notice a hint of elements that are often used to create many hip hop songs called ‘battling’.

Usually yo mama jokes are used to poke fun at others and no one takes it personal. However, there are times when people do it to be personal. When this happens people start to become very angry and in most cases it will end with some type of violent act. But in its best form the dozens is just purely verbal sparring.

Yo mama jokes are just one example of the dozens game. They are very cryptic, short, and in most cases downright hilarious. Other times the fathers, sisters, brothers, or even wives will be the object of attention.

“Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?”

“Leave the car. Take the cannolis.”

“I bet you get a free bowl of soup with a hat like that.”

Yes. There are some amazingly funny movie lines that we’ve all come to love, but is this the ONE? Is this the comedy writer’s Holy Grail?

Is the ‘prostitue’ line from Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan the funniest line ever? Hell, is the title of the movie the funniest ever?

When Borat walks in front of his meager home in what appears to be a real town, and he then wildly tongue-kisses a rather plain young woman before announcing to camera that “She is my sister. Number four ********** in all of Kazakhstan…” the tone for what is being called the funniest movie of all time is set. The seal is broken. The laughs, of which there are many, start flowing. And they don’t stop.

(Mind you, this woman also shows the movie audience her adorable little trophy during the line, so that helps…but still.)

The line appears very early in the first act of the movie and immediately makes it clear that Borat, The Movie will be a contender of comedy movie bragging rights for a very long time.

Comedy features try and hit certain numbers of genuine laughs over the course of 90 minutes and typically the make or break point seems to be about 15 or 16 genuine laughs that make a movie ‘funny.’ Leave it to Hollywood execs to be able to pin down a number that objective.

Borat The Movie storms right through that number and never looks back. If anything, credit needs to be given the editor of the film for figuring out ways for us to not miss lines during all of the ensuing laughter. Bravo.

You may not have known that Rosebud was a sled before you saw Citizen Kane or that Bruce Willis was dead throughout The Sixth Sense but now you’re perfectly warned to be careful with that Diet Coke and the person in front of you at your local theater…because “number four ********** in all of Kazakhstan” will definitely be remember by many as one of, if not THE funniest movie line ever.

With Halloween days away, I thought I’d hit on the mixing and blending of genres, scary/horror plus comedy. For me, funny/scary is Beattlejuice, it’s The Goonies, it’s well…um…fun. Combining comedy with horror or scary offers a change it up approach to your everyday writing method.

What do you need to write a funny horror? Writing comedy, in general, is about wording, style, timing. Adding horror/scary to your funny doesn’t change these “rules”. It does give you, the writer a chance to flex your creative fingers, wiggle them, stretch them, tap them on your keyboard and see where they take you.

Want to write a horror comedy screenplay or novel? Consider the following:

What you like – Solid advice for any style/genre, reading or watching what you like helps to put you in a particular mind frame. It’s easier to emulate an author you understand and appreciate over one you struggle through reading.

Prior to writing an assignment, I re-read books, articles, excerpts from the style I’m looking to produce. Think of it as warm-up stretches before running, or playing tennis. I study style, description, dialogue, etc.. Note on style – stick with your own. It’s difficult to copy another author’s style; however, it if feels right on you, feel free to emulate. Forcing uncomfortable style produces awkwardness for your readers.

Pick a theme – If your story is about mummies, weave a few lines in about being wrapped up. Turn everyday sentences into mummy sentences. You’re writing about skeletons? A skeleton needs his jacket or he’ll freeze his bones off. Watch for overkill here. You don’t want your readers finishing your sentences for you.

Everyday / ordinary- Try dropping your ghouls, ghosts, monsters in normal situations. While it may not be funny for a teenage daughter to yell over her shoulder(while slumped over her dresser yanking out colors of fabric left and right), “Mom! Have you seen my blue sweater?” It would be worth a smile to have a teenage ghost yanking out all white fabric, yelling over her shoulder, “Mom! Have you seen my silk sheet?”

Or maybe, a mother skeleton scolding her youngster for not drinking enough milk because she’s worried about his bones.

Exaggerate – A mainstay in comedy writing, still holds true for comedy/horror. The following is from a 1997 Disney made for TV movie called, Under Wraps, a story where three kids accidentally re-animate a mummy on Halloween.

Gilbert: My mom collects antique dolls. That’s perfectly normal. A lot of people collect dolls.
Amy: Yeah, a lot of insane people.
Gilbert: My mom’s not insane.
Amy: She takes her dolls to the movies.
Gilbert: So, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Amy: She buys them popcorn.
Gilbert: Once! She did that once!

The dialogue exchange is funny because not only does the mother take her dolls to the movies, she buys them popcorn. The writer could have stopped at “She takes her dolls to the movies,” which would have been cute, but, the popcorn part really accelerates the humor.

There is no set formula when it comes to writing a funny horror/scary piece. Although, if you remember a few rules, like exaggerate the cute and emulate what you like…then stick to a theme and make your horror characters do normal things, you’ll end up with a story that’s worth a laugh.

I’m sure you figured out by now that kids laugh more than adults.

You’ve seen it over and over in your classroom, in the schoolyard, cafeteria, hallway and buses. Kids laugh 300-400 times a day and grown-ups only laugh about 15 times a day. Why is that? Is it because we “grew up”? Were we told too many times to “wipe that smile off your face” or to “stop laughing”?

Once my sister came over to my house and our kids got too loud and were not listening to any directives. Finally, out of desperation, I told them all that we were having a 5 minute moratorium on noise and that there would be no talking allowed. To emphasize the point I added, “And I don’t want to hear anymore smiling!” At that my sister and I looked at each other and burst out laughing running into the other room.

Sometimes we just can’t help ourselves but laugh. Kids can’t help it either. It’s the same with staying still. Kids can’t stay still either. One teacher I know does an exercise before class starts and has the kids stand up and get all the wiggles out. Having done that, the class settles down, their excess energy is “shaken off” and the class is now more manageable.

Have you ever considered getting the “giggles out”?

When you enroll children into doing something they love to do and do naturally, your class will become enjoyable and you will have less problems. Kids will look forward to coming to school, participating and learning more in the class this way.

Dr. Madan Kataria, a medical doctor from India, started Laughter Clubs and Laughter Yoga which now spans across the globe. The physiological benefits of laughter combined with the benefits of light stretching yoga techniques, has literally improved the quality of life. The structured laughter sessions can reduce stress which is the cause of more than 70% of all illnesses.

Include a mini laughter session in your curriculum daily and see what kinds of changes occur in your class. The kids will feel better and so will you.

Let the giggles begin!

I’ve been reading the title book by Bob Hope and Melville Shavelton. One thing that I gleaned was that Bob Hope, although he had to pay them out of his own pocket, hired a boodle of writers. It was impossible to accomplish what Hope did without the writers.

If a stand-up comic goes from town to town playing to local audiences, he or she can milk a script as he or she travels. Bob Hope was a television comic so he could not use the same material over and over again. Only Milton Berle could get away with that.

As I watch Jay Leno and David Letterman, I see them strain over material. A joke presented one night will probably be presented again in a slightly different form several nights in a row. It’s hard to have good material every night.

Some of you know that I have written a number of articles providing jokes for Jay Leno to use when his writers have gone dry, as they often do. Unfortunately, Jay Leno doesn’t know they exist.

The articles have had good reader response and a dozen or so e-zines editors have picked them up. If you want to read the articles just put “Jokes for Jay Leno” in your EzineArticles.com search bar.

My point is that television comics need writers.

Bob Hope traveled the world on a hectic schedule entertaining service men and women, especially at Christmas. That travel gave him perspective on history. He could always see the “big picture.” Of course, that came from the cue cards he was reading as well as the travel. He had the sight of a number of writers, those who traveled with him, and the audience he was entertaining.

Hope had many world leaders as friends, knew anybody that was anybody, and a lot of just plain folks like you and me. He was born in London in 1903 and died about one hundred years later having entertained millions of people. Like many comics of early television, he started in vaudeville as a dancer. His many films are available on televisions so we can still get a taste of the man. My favorite is The Paleface made in 1947. Read about Bob Hope at http://www.reference.com/search?q=Bob%20Hope

Bob Hope hired over 100 writers during his career. Learn how he handled his writers at http://www.loc.gov/exhibits/bobhope/jokes.html His jokes have been preserved for future generations. Here’s one of his jokes taken from a hand-written note in his script:

It was so crowded that the pickpockets would not take your watch unless it was gift wrapped. One had his hand in my pocket and I said, “What’s the idea?” He said, “Don’t get excited, I’m just making change.”

Bob assigned two teams of writers to prepare the same script. He then extracted the best joke and put them in the final script. I’ve read that Jay Leno meets late at night with his writers and they edit much in the same way, telling the jokes and seeing if they are funny or duds. Both Leno and Letterman end up telling duds on their shows. They usually make a joke of it.

My five-year-old grandson and I exchange jokes. I called him today and told him this one:

Mother! Mother! I keep spinning around and around!

Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot down to the floor!

Here’s one he tells me:

Father, why do they call sister “Spring Dawn Doe?”

When she born I go out from teepee and I see a beautiful doe in the morning sun. I call her “Spring Dawn Doe.”

Father, why do they call brother “Fast as Charging Cougar?”

When he born I go from teepee and a great cougar chases horses from camp. I call him “Fast as Charging Cougar?”

Father, why do they call me—

His father held up his hand and said, “Stop asking so many questions, Little **** Face!”

The End

Humor, it turns out, is not a necessary ability to survive, and like musical talent is only a sexual ornament according to survival evolutionist Matthew Ridley of Red Queen fame. Although not crucial, the ability to “be funny” is very powerful in human interaction and holds a high social value for mating. Ok, enough of the scientific hub bub. That’s a whole other article.

To put it simple everyone loves a comedian. No. Everyone loves a good comedian. Even though I’m not a comedian, as a general consumer of media and lover of comedy shows, I can help give some common sense tips on how one would become one.

As a child I used to watch USA’s late night stand up comedy shows as well as HBO specials, so that makes me an authority. Not really, but hear me out. I’ve actually read a lot of bios on how some comedians made their break. The first two suggestions are really more of a mind set verses the how, the last tip shows how to start.

Persistence

As with any successful venture that many have tried and failed at, like Napoleon Hill discovered you must have a burning desire and be willing to constantly improve.
Fame is sought after by many, but only achieved by few. To be a truly great comedian you have to perfect your art by failing often. The faster your material fails, the better. The faster you experience different audiences the better.

Find Models

Like Tony Robbins says, another success mechanism is finding models to base your style off of. No, I didn’t say copy your style. Since humor and being a comedian is more about finding and being a character verses the jokes and lines, you can find those models of characters you want to be. A few categories:

Neurotic New Yorker/Jewish – Jerry Seinfeld, Ray Romano, Carroll O’Connor.

Ethnic Humor – David Chappelle, Chris Rock

Sarcastic & Sad – Dennis Leary, Janeane Garofalo

Proper Humor – The Amazing Jonathan, Carrot Top, Jeff Dunham

Main Stream & Energetic – Dane Cook, Paulie Shore


Just do it – Start the Open Microphone Circuit

I’ve heard stories of Ellen Degeneres, Jeff Foxworthy, even Jerry Seinfeld starting out on the open mic circuit. Open mic is where at least one night a week a comedy club or bar gives anyone and everyone who can utter a semblance of rhetoric the opportunity to get in front of an audience for 2 – 7 minutes. Open mic in general has a mix of artists including poets, acoustic guitar acts, and comedians. Some are known just for one performance theme over another.

Either way it seems many beginning comedians get their feet wet by participating in every open mic they can, as often as they can early in his/her career. It’s a hard life and you don’t get paid when you first start. The hope is you can test your material and catch the eye of the club owner who may or may not have you perform regularly with a paid booking.

Persistence, finding models to build your character, and then just doing it-starting on the open mic circuit are all ways to get your strand up comedy career started. Just think, when you tell your friends and family you’re a comedian the first thing they will say is, ” Be funny.” Sound like fun?